Shattered by the past and scared of the future
by Pianoninja
Summary: When Rachel Bailey faints at work she finds herself dealing with something very big all on her own.


**Hey guys! So, this was only going to be a one-shot but it ended up a lot longer than planed so hopefully I'll be able to fit it in two quite long (for me) chapters. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and drop me a review :D **

**1pm**

"Go home kid" Gill urged the young DC as she observed the pale woman sat silently in her office.

"I'm fi-" she tried to resist tepidly but the older SIO interrupted her with double the force,

"Seriously Rachel, we haven't got anything major going on and you can take some paperwork home with you" she allowed herself a small friendly smile to her junior before gesturing her towards the door where she knew Janet would be eagerly waiting. One of her oldest friends had become like a mother to Rachel ever since she joined the syndicate just over two years ago and she was always looking out for her in both her professional and personal lives. Rachel came slowly to her feet, stopping momentarily as her vision clouded slightly.

"Thanks Boss" she thanked her superior and swiftly left the office, picking up her bag from beneath her desk and heading towards the doors. She stood just inside the door way and lit a cigarette to calm her nerves, wrapping her jacket tighter around her torso to insulate herself from the cool damp air as she breathed in the toxic relief.

"Rachel?" she heard her friend's voice behind her and felt a hand on her arm as she turned her head to see Janet's startling blue eyes beaming back at her. "You had me really worried back there" she paused and waited to see whether the DC needed more prompting.

"I'm fine" was her simple reply between sucking in the last drags of her cigarette.

"Why is Gill sending you home then? Come on Rach we're supposed to be mates" playing the guilt card to her partner in crime - excuse the pun. She caught Rachel roll her eyes and held back the need to reprimand her like she would Tasie or Elise, then decided to diverge a little, "will you be alright driving yourself home?" Rachel tutted at her colleague before stubbing out her cigarette on the wall and chucking the butt on the floor in front of her.

"Fine." she replied bluntly as she turned and walked away towards her car. Janet watched on from the doorway as the blue car drove away, before returning back to her work and her colleagues, letting herself get lost in her thoughts.

* * *

**4pm**

She sat down with a bit of a bump on her bathroom floor. The stick of white plastic in her hand glaring back at her, taunting her with two tiny red lines. Again, she was thinking of last time, all of that business with Nick Savage and Stelikos meant she never really let herself grieve for her lost child. Janet was insistent that she take time of work but Rachel Baily knowing it best to carry on as normal. She was softer with her, Janet, in the few weeks afterwards, and Gill. She wondered whether her boss would be as understanding this time, unexpected pregnancies weren't exactly helpful in the police force. She pulled herself up off the cold tiles and stood for a moment, inspecting her reflection in the mirror. "You're pale" was what Janet would say, or "you've got no colour". Then she'd question whether the younger woman had eaten recently, trying to force coffee and sandwiches down her.

All of sudden she felt a whirling in the pit of her stomach and found herself diving back to the floor, in front of the toilet, gagging and spitting up just liquid and bile. She rocked back on her knees and sat on her feet, reaching to the side for tissue to wipe her mouth. She let out a deep breath before discarding of it and flushing the toilet.

"Shit." she exclaimed to herself as reality hit her straight, "Shit shit shit!" she bought her hand up to her mouth, stifling the terrified sobbing fighting to get out of her and blinked a few times in a futile effort to stop the tears from falling.

* * *

**8pm**

He walked through the front door, confused to find it already unlocked,

"Rach?" he called as he walked cautiously through the hall way. She responded to him bluntly,

"What." He walked into the lounge to see her sitting cross legged on the sofa, laptop in front of her and the floor covered in various printed sheets and scribbled notes on scraps of lined paper.

"Jesus Rachel, you nearly gave me a heart attack, I thought someone had broken in!"

"Oh yeah and they brutally murdered me too, you might not want to take your coat off, Godzilla gets really arsey if you mess with a crime scene" she gave a reply dripping in sarcasm without turning her face from the screen.

"Alright, who rattled your cage?" he nudged her with his elbow as he walked past and clambered over to the other side of the sofa. "What are you doing home anyway?" here was the inevitable line of questioning "I didn't think you big shot detectives clocked off until all the bad guys were put away." '_Idiot_' Rachel thought to herself.

"Gill sent me home" she explained in short, hoping that would be enough to throw him off the scent.

"What? Why? What did you do?" he placed his hand on her arm in an effort to make her turn away from her work and look at him. She sighed and half closed the laptop before continuing

"Nothing. Does it really matter?" Sean just gave her a confused look and went on digging into her story, only his voice held a softer more concerned tone

"Yes, what's going on Rach?" She wormed her arm away from his grasp and stood up from the sofa, walking into the kitchen before beginning slowly and somewhat carefully.

"Ok, don't panic; but I fainted at work" she stopped for a moment to let him process this while she filled the kettle. "Brew?" she added in effort to retain some normality on her part. She saw his eyes widen as he hurried towards,

"You what! Well, are you ok? What happened?" he clasped his hands around her shoulders, forcing her to stand rooted to the spot while his glowing eyes bore into her.

"I'm absolutely fine, I just skipped breakfast" she lied, brushing of his hands along with his concern.

"Right, well if you're feeling up to it a few of the lads have invited me out for a few beers. What d'ya say?" She rolled her eyes as she turned away from him and flicked the switch on the wall to boil the kettle.

"No thanks, you go though" she immediately recognised something akin to pity in his eyes and added sternly but with a smile "go! I'll be fine."

* * *

**10pm **

Sat in the bathroom again, on the edge of the bath this time, a different test - the same result. Her head was spinning uncontrollably as she fumbled trying to pull her phone from her pocket. She sent a hurried text to Janet

_'Can you talk? Need your advice - R x' _

Then once again found herself retching into the toilet bowl, every limb shaking uncontrollably and her head pounding every time she gagged.

* * *

**10:30pm**

Rachel woke up on the floor, she couldn't work out where she was until she sat up and the blue tiles of her bathroom came into focus. She could hear a deep voice and the banging on the door was like a stabbing in her temples.

"Rach? Rachel are you in there?" Sean. She pulled herself heavily to her feet and flicked the lock on the door. Her husband burst in as she leant on the sink and splashed cool water on her face. "What the hell is going on with you today?" he barked. She guessed he hadn't meant to sound angry, just worried. "You're as white as a sheet and...have you been sick?" he spun her round and looked into her eyes.

"I...yeah. Urm...I woke up in the floor just now, I guess I passed out again." Rachel watched Sean's eyes widen once again and let herself fall into his embrace. She could feel his heart racing against her own chest and felt his warm hands on her back. His eyes set on the white plastic stick on the floor,

"Rachel..." She pulled away slowly as she realised, and took his hands in her own,

"We um...we need to talk."

* * *

**10:45pm**

"Rachel you mad bitch, where the fuck are you going!?" Sean followed her out the door as she sped in a fluster with her bag and coat in one hand, car keys in the other. His face was red hot with fury and rage, she continued to walk away and ignore him. "It's the middle of the night you lunatic, what the hell are you thinking?" She climbed into her car and locked the doors swiftly, trying to blink away the tears forming in her eyes while he hammered on the window. "You're pregnant and you need to accept that, it's not all about Rachel Bailey anymore!" She slammed the car into gear and flew off the drive, leaving her husband shouting like a mad man in the middle of the street, "RACHEL! COME BACK YOU STUPID COW!"

Rachel ran the roads of Chadderton like an F1 racer, swerving around corners and breaking every law in place. She dialed Janet on speaker phone - no answer. Sean's words flooded her mind.

_"You are? That's brilliant news! Oh Rachel you don't know how ha-" he stopped as he took in his wife's facial expression and decided to tread the subject carefully. "What?" he queried slowly. Her brown eyes beamed back at him, terrified. _

_"I Urm...are we sure we're ready for this? Is this really what we want?" He could feel the anger beginning to bubble inside him, Rachel Bailey - afraid of commitment is what he'd been told. He gritted his teeth,_

_"What do you mean? Do you not want this baby?" Rachel took a deep breath, _

_"I...I don't know. I mean..." Sean doesn't know about last time - Nick's baby - she wondered if she should tell him now. _

_"Rach, let me know if I'm wrong, but I'm starting to feel as though I'm more committed to this marriage than you.." She began to notice the anger brewing inside her own chest at this point,_

_"What!?" she bit back at him "Just because I don't want to be a house wife with seven kids while you go off directing traffic every day, I'm 'not committed'?" _

_"Well...why are you so distraught to be carrying my child!?" Sean came back at her just as riled. _

_"I'm not" she was quieter now, feeling guilty that she was doing this to him. "I just...I...I'm sorry, I can't do this." _

* * *

**11pm**

The car pulled up on the pavement outside the Scotts' house and Rachel took a moment wipe the traces of abandoned mascara from her face in the mirror. She held her pale hands out in front of her and took a deep breath to stop herself from shaking, then moved swiftly towards the front door as the cold air bit at her face. As she rang the doorbell and waited she brought a shaky hand to her abdomen, biting her lip hard as she felt tears forming in her brown eyes once again. The door creaked open slightly, with the chain bolted across. Rachel could make out Janet's mother, Dorothy, peeping through the gap.

"Oh hi, uh" Rachel stammered.

"Janet's not here." Dorothy interrupted in an exasperated tone. She could see the young woman's watery eyes and took note of how pale she was, even in the dark, but she had never liked the DC and surely she had her own family to go and bother. Rachel pulled her coat further around herself and took in a lungful of the frozen air.

"Oh right, sorry" she babbled before she turned away. Dorothy did feel sorry for the young woman but she had her grandchildren upstairs in bed to think about. She didn't need her sort bringing trouble knocking at the door.

* * *

**11:05pm **

Rachel was bombing down the A665 as the heavens opened and thunder rumbled across the sky, with a mass of tears now filling and spilling from her eyes, she dialed Janet's number again - still nothing. A nauseous feeling rattled around the pit of her stomach and her head spun as she tried to concentrate on the road in front of her. A big black Jaguar appeared suddenly out of nowhere, leaving Rachel's car to swerve to the side of the road. The other driver sounded his horn loudly as the car flew past and Rachel just managed to regain her control. Slowing herself down whilst furiously trying to blink tears out of her eyes, she pulled into a layby. Just as the engine cut out there was a buzzing on the seat next to her, she grabbed her phone and focused her tear filled eyes on the caller ID - Gill. 'What the fuck does she want?' she thought to herself. She cleared her throat, took a deep breath and pressed the answer button on her phone.

"Hello?"

_"Hi, Rachel, just thought I'd check in on you. You alright?" _There was an empty silence as Rachel bit her lip and tried her hardest not to cry on the phone to the DCI. _"Rachel?" _

"Urm...I..."

_"Where are you Kid?"_


End file.
